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 To Love is to Remember Isaiah 49:14-16 The Orthodox Christian Church believes
that aborted children are among the holy innocents, May their Memory be Eternal! Abortion Survivors Anonymous At Martha and Mary House those who have lost unborn children by abortion join our support group using a twelve step program of grief and reconciliation based on the Abortion Survivors Anonymous Workbook. Abortion Survivors Anonymous are women and men who suffer the impact of abortion. Our Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions are adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. Ours is a spiritual program where we acknowledge a Higher Power than ourselves Who can do for us what we cannot. Using a Twelve Step Workbook, we work through issues of grief and reconciliation after abortion, in 10 weekly sessions in groups or as individuals. We use the Serenity Prayer and the Lord's Prayer, but are not affiliated with any particular sect or denomination. Our goal for our journey to wholeness after abortion is three fold: We compare healthy, normal phases of grief with thwarted or buried grief in our lives after abortion. We who have taken the Steps discovered that we were most often 'stuck' in four areas where we had repressed anger. In recovery we needed to acknowledge our unfinished business and work through anger to reconciliation in our relationship with: As we chose to forgive and accept forgiveness, we were able to leave guilt behind and give ourselves permission to grieve our loss. There is no quick fix. Grief after abortion takes time, but healthy grieving heals damaged emotions, and will one day be completed. An important part of our Twelfth Step is to acknowledge the finality of death by saying "good-bye" to our aborted children in a mourning ritual or memorial service of our choice. At last we can leave our past behind and embrace life in the present. Gradually sadness over our loss will give way to deepening joy. The promise is not vain that sorrow may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning. Our Hidden Grief We chose abortion as a solution to our problem, and may have been relieved when the crisis was over, but most of us also felt an unexpected sense of loss. We were no longer pregnant, but something else had happened; we were "free" to go on with our life, but another life was ended. When a child dies, grief is a normal reaction of surviving family members. Few of us thought of abortion as a death loss. We did not expect or acknowledge grief. So we stuffed our feelings of emptiness, loss, anger and despair. Normal grief in time leads to reconciliation and acceptance of life without the one we lost. When grief goes unrecognized or denied, it goes undercover and endangers our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being. As Abortion Survivors we have learned that "Time doesn't heal all wounds". We experienced abortion as a wound to our heart. A surface body wound is cleaned and bandaged so that in time it may heal. When abortion wounds our hearts, tears may cleanse it and our pain may be soothed in sharing with others. But when we hide our tears and seal our grief in tight-lipped isolation, time only makes it worse. Most of us kept the abortion secret. We suffered in loneliness and self-condemnation. We trusted no one with our pain and our tears. Buried grief built walls between us, our families and friends. Our self-esteem, faith, health and lifestyle deteriorated. We told ourselves it had nothing to do with the abortion. Until at last we admitted that our lives had become unmanageable, and we were powerless to change it. We wondered if the pain would ever go away. Our first step toward recovery was to lift the secrecy, air our feelings and let tears wash our wounds. For many, the feelings and memories of the abortion were numbed or frozen. The most effective way to melt the ice was to talk openly with someone who shared our experience. Some had buried the memories so deep that it was only when we heard others tell their stories that our own came back to us. Some of us are siblings of aborted children. Our mothers' - perhaps grandmothers' abortions were part of the family secret that shadowed our childhood. Un-grieved losses of our past made our own abortion decision 'easier.' The death of an unborn child affects the family; we have all suffered a loss and need to name our grief. In ASA we found hope. In facing and naming our pain, To you who are just beginning your journey through grief, we want to say; take courage. To you who are lonely and isolated in your despair; we assure you that you are not alone. We are many, and Your Higher Power is with you. Trust yourself, your will and your aborted children to Him. The Twelve Steps of Abortion Survivors Anonymous 1.We admitted that we were powerless over the impact of abortion - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to wholeness (sanity). 3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. 4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.5.Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7.Humbly asked God to remove all our shortcomings. 8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11.Sought, through prayer and meditation, to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. 12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other abortion survivors, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous 1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.Came to believe that a Power grater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. 12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. *Adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous, Copyright 1986, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Inc. The Serenity Prayer The Lord's Prayer Anonymity Pledge Anonymity Anonymity is fundamental to an ASA fellowship. Our Eleventh and Twelfth Traditions establish our guidelines for anonymity both public and personal. Tradition Eleven states: "Our public policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films. We need guard with special care the anonymity of our fellow ASA members". This tradition does not restrict us from giving the public information about Abortion Survivors Anonymous, but only from disclosing the identity of other ASA members.It is each member's choice how anonymous he or she wants to be with family and friends, but we need be particularly careful to guard the anonymity of other ASA members. Before coming to ASA, most of us kept our abortions secret from even family members and close friends. Fear of exposure kept many of us from coming for help until our pain became unbearable. There are those among us who cannot share their abortion loss with anyone outside our group. It is imperative that we guard their identity. Particularly since ours is a society with merciless media exploitation and public hunger for the 'secret lives' of others. In ASA our focus is on publicity for the program itself and how it can help those who suffer after an abortion loss. We are not to put ourselves or other members in the public eye. We want to extend a hand of help and friendship as a group, not engage in high pressure promotion to push our program on anyone. Common Characteristics of Abortion Survivors These are characteristics many of us share. Do you identify? Check what applies.
Goals and Milestones in Recovery after Abortion As part of Step One we name our goals - what we hope to attain by working through the steps. Groups differ, but some goals are typical for many of us and are directly related to the areas where we feel the painful impact of abortion: The following goals were listed by ASA group members in the past:Setting goals helps us know where we start from, and as we work through the steps, our goals gradually become milestones. We can look back and see where we came from. Our Twelve Steps teach us that there are no short-cuts, no quick fixes. One Steps at the time, one moment at the time, we learn to discern between the things we can and cannot change; to reconcile with our past and take responsibility for our present choices. Our Serenity Prayer teaches us to live life as it is, not as we imagined it to be. Our lives aren't perfect, but we have come to experience greater happiness, hope and meaning than we ever thought possible when we first listed our goals. Following are Milestones listed by some of us who first began to work through our grief two to seven years ago. Some of us had been in denial for more than twenty years, and our lives post abortion had become unmanageable. Looking at our milestones there is much to celebrate. We list them so that you who are newcomers may find courage, strength and hope in listing your own goals. You can reach them too! We encourage you to join us in working though the steps to reach your own milestones! God Bless You! Copyright 1996, Abortion Survivors Anonymous. Revised 2000. For further information or to order Workbook, write or call: |
martyred saints - in the presence of God. With the Saints they pray for us, and we may pray with them. We believe that God has carved them on the palm of His hand - and their Memory is indeed Eternal. Orthodox Christians remember their departed loved ones in every celebration of the Eucharist. We who have lost our unborn children by choice may reconcile and find peace with God, with our children and our selves. No longer is grief and pain our only link with our aborted children. As Alexander Schmemann, the Orthodox theologian reminded us: "To love is to remember". In joy we love our children by remembering them. 